Femme vs Tomboy

Ever since I started this job, rather ever since I started my degree in a man-dominated field (and it's not a 1 to 3 women to men ratio, it's two women with 100 plus men; and now only me in 100 plus men), I've felt like I need to define myself. Should I be the femme who can't handle pressure and ends up crying when someone throws a negative comment her way or should I be one of the boys - career-focused, assertive, and have major attitude?

Only today have I realised that I don't need to stereotype myself. This comes after years of struggling this way. I can be just who I am.

Wow, it's liberating to say this.

I don't need to act girly to get people to like me. Yes, I'm nice and kind. That doesn't make me girly. That just makes me ME. That makes me M. That's who I am. That won't hinder my career in any way.

I don't have to act tough and like I have a lot of attitude to be considered a professional woman. Yes, I have realised that I don't have to be uber-friendly with everyone like I was in the beginning. That there will always be men ready to hit on me because I'm the only woman but that doesn't mean I have to show attitude to every one of them. That there will be people who have a problem with me because I have some skills they don't have and they can't see me advance simply because I'm a woman.

I just have to be me. I don't have to put in a special effort to be someone I'm not just to have people like me and be a successful career woman simultaneously.

Yes, it's hard at work because

1. people pay more attention to me. They're just curious I guess. Let them watch you, M. let them watch you succeed. Let them watch you fail. They fail too. Just let them watch you move everyday. Growing into a better professional. It's only your first year and from what I've heard, people (MEN!!!) fail way later into their careers too. Everyone is succeeding and failing everyday. it's not only you. Yes, people are more interested in you but let them. Let them know that you're as human as them. Don't take this pressure too much.

2. I end up getting emotional too soon. I believe that's part of the pressure I'm taking, too. I shouldn't let something as trivial as work issues to make me so emotional that I end up crying in the bathroom. It's a personal thing, anyway and doesn't have anything to do with me being a woman. I need to stop taking stress too much. This reminds me of the days when Manager started smoking after being given a higher post or when his Boss goes all ugh huff puff aagh some days because the pressure is too much.

There is so much I need to write on this subject but I feel so calm now, I can't remember of anything else to write. This blog is turning to my when-in-angst-write-here space, haha.

Conclusion: I should just chill and not worry too much about coming off as something I think I'm not and consequently, trying to be someone I think I'm not. I am not a single-faceted person. I'm  a multi-faceted woman, human, and other things. I should just let myself be. I should, however, focus on my personal weaknesses that don't have anything to do with me being a woman and overcome them. I should also try to socialise with the men more and stop thinking about how I'm always left out because I'm a woman. I'm friendly and kind. I should stop showing them unnecessary attitude. And I should smile more and just be me. Just be M.

Tonight, I'm a Mess

So I'm sitting here, hugging my pillow, craving for human contact. I want to pour my heart out to another human. But I don't need another human being. No one desires to be with me. Remember brain, remember! I can make it on my own. I hate my body for not being able to hold in tears for long. These running streaks of tears on my face, on my pillow, these need to stop. But the more I force myself to hold them in, the more heavily they fall down. I feel a certain heaviness in my chest. Like there is something physically wrong with my blood. It isn't acting normal today. Or it might be the rich cake I ate earlier. Hear that whirring? That's my dad's bike. He's back. I'll pretend to be asleep so he doesn't talk to me. I don't like it when he talks to me. He rarely has nice things to say. My mum said those things to me again today. I never do things she wants me to do. I'm not the kind of person she wants me to be; that she taught me to be. I think it causes her great sadness to see that. Seeing her sad makes me sad. I wish I was just like her. I wouldn't be all alone then. Dad is here talking to me about things I don't want to listen to. But I'm just sitting here trying to act normal. I know he knows this and he hates me for this. Still, he won't stop with these talks. I dreamed about him last night. I looked lovely and we had a great intellectual talk. I wish I could force my mind to forget about him. He doesn't have a place in my life and neither do I in his. But I'm so attracted to him and I can't stop thinking about him. I think he thinks I'm an awkward person. I'm convinced I am one more and more lately. I feel so not in control when I'm not in my comfort zone and have to meet people. I bet everyone thinks I'm awkward. And weird too I guess. That's the reason I have no friends. The ones pretending to be my friends only pretend because they're just nice like that. I think I think too low of myself. But there are things that strengthen my belief that I'm so inferior. So weak. So powerless. I don't want to feel this way. But tonight seems like a good night to wallow in this sadness. It's not even sadness. Sadness is mellow. This is more extreme. Like something waiting to happen. I'll probably forget all this when I wake up and I'll delete this post later but right now these things are consuming me and I don't see a way out. I don't have a will to fight back. I'm exhausted.

Humble Beginnings

Bonjour, I'm M. I suggest you make yourself a steaming cup of coffee and seat yourself by the fire.