Tonight, I'm a Mess

So I'm sitting here, hugging my pillow, craving for human contact. I want to pour my heart out to another human. But I don't need another human being. No one desires to be with me. Remember brain, remember! I can make it on my own. I hate my body for not being able to hold in tears for long. These running streaks of tears on my face, on my pillow, these need to stop. But the more I force myself to hold them in, the more heavily they fall down. I feel a certain heaviness in my chest. Like there is something physically wrong with my blood. It isn't acting normal today. Or it might be the rich cake I ate earlier. Hear that whirring? That's my dad's bike. He's back. I'll pretend to be asleep so he doesn't talk to me. I don't like it when he talks to me. He rarely has nice things to say. My mum said those things to me again today. I never do things she wants me to do. I'm not the kind of person she wants me to be; that she taught me to be. I think it causes her great sadness to see that. Seeing her sad makes me sad. I wish I was just like her. I wouldn't be all alone then. Dad is here talking to me about things I don't want to listen to. But I'm just sitting here trying to act normal. I know he knows this and he hates me for this. Still, he won't stop with these talks. I dreamed about him last night. I looked lovely and we had a great intellectual talk. I wish I could force my mind to forget about him. He doesn't have a place in my life and neither do I in his. But I'm so attracted to him and I can't stop thinking about him. I think he thinks I'm an awkward person. I'm convinced I am one more and more lately. I feel so not in control when I'm not in my comfort zone and have to meet people. I bet everyone thinks I'm awkward. And weird too I guess. That's the reason I have no friends. The ones pretending to be my friends only pretend because they're just nice like that. I think I think too low of myself. But there are things that strengthen my belief that I'm so inferior. So weak. So powerless. I don't want to feel this way. But tonight seems like a good night to wallow in this sadness. It's not even sadness. Sadness is mellow. This is more extreme. Like something waiting to happen. I'll probably forget all this when I wake up and I'll delete this post later but right now these things are consuming me and I don't see a way out. I don't have a will to fight back. I'm exhausted.